28 Days on a Serenity Cruise
written by Heather Daniel

A short parody of the movie Serenity and the series Firefly.
Run time: approximately 10 minutes

CAST:

MAL – ship’s captain
Costume: a brown shirt and a gun

ZOE – first mate, wife to Wash
Costume: a brown vest

WASH – Zoe’s husband, pilot of the ship (soon to be deceased)
Costume: a Hawaiian shirt (needs a halo)

JAYNE – mercenary and heavy
Costume: Jayne’s hat and a gun

KAYLEE – ship’s mechanic
Costume: something fun (maybe slightly Chinese)

INARA – a companion
Costume: something Indian or Chinese

SIMON – ship’s doctor, River’s brother
Costume: Mandarin style shirt

RIVER – Simon’s sister, psychic
Costume: simple flowing dress and combat boots

BOOK – ex-ship’s preacher (deceased)
Costume: preacher style shirt (needs a halo)

REAVER – an insane man
Costume: something crazy

WASH and ZOE are on stage. ZOE is standing in front of WASH; WASH is sitting in a chair holding a large cardboard tube to his chest.

ZOE
(to audience)
Hello everyone. I’m a Firefly/Serenity fan and addict. Instead of singing the Firefly theme again, we’re going to give you our own version of the show, called “Serenity Cruise.” We hope you enjoy and won’t judge us too harshly for what you are about to witness.

PLAY “Firefly Theme”

ZOE leaps onto WASH’s lap.

ZOE
Wash, my darling, you can’t be dying!

WASH
Best Monty Python impersonation
Zoe, it’s only a flesh wound!
I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch how I mulch.

SIMON enters and examines WASH.
ZOE stands and holds WASH’s hand

SIMON
Quickly examines WASH.
(regretfully) Sorry, Zoe. There’s nothing I can do.

WASH
Simon, does this mean Zoe and I can’t have sex one last time?

ZOE
I’ll wear a slinky dress to the funeral.

MAL enters followed by JAYNE and KAYLEE.
MAL sees WASH then holds KAYLEE back, blocking her from seeing WASH.

KAYLEE
Wash? Where’s Wash?

MAL
Don’t look Kaylee. It’s too hideous.

ZOE
Hands on hips, insulted.
I do not look THAT bad!

WASH
Mal, will you buy Zoe a slinky dress?

KAYLEE
Captain Tightpants bought me a frilly dress, so he should buy Zoe a slinky one.

JAYNE
Inspect tube in WASH.
(unsettled) So, Mal. Who will fly the gorram ship now?

MAL
Well, Jayne, I guess I’ll be doing the flying. River can co-pilot.
JAYNE shudders.
But I’m sure the doc will pull him through.

SIMON
Well, I’m pretty sure my MAL-practice insurance has run out by now…

EVERYONE groans.
RIVER runs in.

RIVER
Crouch in front of everyone but closest to JAYNE.
(mouths) Reavers.
Becomes increasingly nervous during the following conversation.

JAYNE
What now, River, you crazy girl?

KAYLEE
She’s not crazy, she’d never hurt anyone.

JAYNE
Anybody remember her coming at me with a knife?

ZOE
No one we wouldn’t miss.

WASH
Wacky fun. But tell me again how Jayne got beat up by a ninety pound girl.
That never gets old.

JAYNE
Wanna go little man?

WASH
Only if it’s someplace with candle light.

RIVER
Upset at being ignored.
Stand and sway wringing hands. Very nervous.
(whisper urgently) Reavers.

EVERYONE
(yell together) WHAT?

RIVER
Grab MAL’s coat.
(yells) REAVERS!

REAVER runs in, slashes ZOE, who then falls to the ground.
MAL and JAYNE shoot the REAVER who dies

CREW (minus RIVER)
Oh, Reavers!

INARA runs in, sees the dead REAVER, and sighs.
INARA starts to hug MAL, then stops herself.

ZOE
On ground.
Patch me up, doc.

SIMON
Shake head. Kneels by ZOE and does something medical.
 (to KAYLEE) Kaylee, I regret we never (pause) you know…

KAYLEE
Simon, do you mean sex?

SIMON
(sarcastically) No, I mean we never got to do crosswords together.

MAL
Kaylee, I can’t know that!

ZOE stands.

INARA
Mal, you are so infuriating!

MAL
Why?

KAYLEE
I never would have taken Mal for being a prude. Would you, Inara?

INARA
Not after Nandi.

MAL
Well, you let Saffron kiss you.

INARA
No, you idiot. I kissed you.
Was that out loud?

MAL and INARA stare at each other.
BOOK enters but remains just on stage. He’s wearing a halo.

BOOK
Time for you to join Mr. Universe and me, Wash.
We’re no longer part of the crew.

WASH
I hear you Book. I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I…
(fall to the stage, dead)

ZOE runs over to WASH.
Everyone looks at WASH and hang their heads.

ZOE
Wash, honey?

INARA
I’m so sorry, Zoe.

ZOE
Goes to Mal, puts arms around him awkwardly.
Says deadpan: Take me sir. Take me hard.

JAYNE
That’s just disturbing.

JAYNE exits.
ZOE drops her hands and steps away from MAL.
WASH gets up, puts on a halo and goes over to BOOK. They start to party. 
RIVER watches.

RIVER
(points) Look! A dead people party!

SIMON
(act superior) No, River. Wash is dead.

RIVER
(exasperated) Simon, you are too stupid to live. Look, you idiot! (points again)

SIMON
(pray) God, grant me the Serenity to not kill my sister.
And the wisdom to just hit her with a taser…

RIVER
I can kill you with my brain.

SIMON
I’ll say Eta Koram nas…

RIVER makes a kicking motion and SIMON is silenced.

KAYLEE
(excited) I see them! Look, Captain! I can see the dead people!

MAL
I guess they’ll be back in the sequel. No need to be upset. Come on Inara, let’s dance.


MAL pulls INARA into his arms and they dance off stage.
ZOE stares at WASH and BOOK as they continue to party.
SIMON and KAYLEE exit together, arm in arm. RIVER follows.

ZOE
Does that mean I end up with Jayne?

ZOE picks up the cardboard tube WASH held to his chest and stabs herself with it. She falls to the floor, dead.

THE END

Serenity Skit